Ergo Ennui

Book

2010-02-08T23:15:00.001-08:00

Should I start writing one. hmm.

oops

2010-02-02T08:57:00.000-08:00

So this will be my first post in ages. Lots have happened over the past few months of my absence here in blogspot, but I'm glad to say that God was behind it all :)

If I list out His blessings (the ones I've experienced or seen), I'd be uploading Megabytes worth of words, so to make things brief, I'd say I'm a living example of EXTRA GRACE REQUIRED, and I'm sure we can all be XD

Lots are coming up... Freedom "Camp", Uni, cooking lessons, animating for idiots and packing :p Gosh this is going to be fun~~

Failure

2009-11-01T00:39:00.000-07:00

It's a funny thing once you think about it, because there is no defining term for failure. The dictionary defines it as "a lack of success", but then, what is success? Lack of failure?
A lot of people have tried to answer this. Many claim it as the discovery of happiness in one's life - doing the things you want, having a stable income etc. I'm sitting on the toilet, doing my business and typing this all at the same time, so I guess that kinda makes me successful too. So what makes a doctor more successful than an artist, and in some cases, what makes an artist more successful than a doctor?
It can therefore be concluded that it is all nothing more than a matter of perspective. We can then see that there is no definite DEFINITION for the word failure. There's no constant for the word failure. Therefore, there can be no human judge for these things.

Am I a failure? That's for you to decide. I'm sick and tired of the people labeling me that already, so there.

My written test for UniMelb's Film and Television

2009-10-01T16:39:00.000-07:00

Topic: A Fresh Start

__________________________________________________________________

Rahman looked over his shoulder. Bolero was sitting on the staircase behind him. It had been a long night of serving customers beer and cocktails, but that night seemed to be longer than usual. That night, they were fired. Rahman shook his head for the fifth time that night.

“I didn’t bust my ass to get a PhD for this anyway.” Bolero said. He took a long gulp from his Carlton. “We should go look for an actual job.” Rahman ignored him. They were fired from their last biomedical research institute, and following institutes just turned them down. “I still don’t get it. Why were we fired in the first place?” Rahman asked.

“That’s ‘cuz you’re stupid.”

“Shut up.”

Rahman picked up his coat and walked off, leaving the drunk sitting on the staircase. “Where are you going you jobless mutt?” “I’m going back to John’s place you jobless retard!” Rahman yelled back. The drunk ran after him. “Hey…” Bolero started. It was one of those optimistic and empty suggestions Bolero was starting on. Rahman wanted to punch him. He wasn’t in a very good mood. “…why don’t we go back to Malaysia? I’m sure our own people will accept our own graduates.” The urge to punch him died. He thought for a while. “Air tickets are now on discount, right?” Bolero seemed to be pleased that he had thought of something.

Rahman paused, as if he was doing some massive calculation. “But we’re probably short of a hundred dollars or so… unless we fast for the next week or so.”

“No problem man! You’re my beshtest buddy, and I’ll go through anything with you…”

Rahman laughed. “You’re really drunk.” It was a good idea though. John was getting married, and they couldn’t live off him anymore. “It’s about time we stopped freeloading off the generous bastard anyway. It’s time for a fresh start.”

A few weeks later, two very skinny Malaysians boarded the plane back to Malaysia. Every moment of the 8-hour ride was worth it. The duo rushed out of Kuala Lumpur International Airport to be welcomed home by Bolero’s mother.

“Thank you for letting me stay at your place Mrs. Wong.” Rahman bowed his head slightly to show respect. “Please Rahmie…” Mrs. Wong chuckled. “We’ve been letting you stay at our place since you were a child! What’s the difference now?”

They laughed their way back to Bolero’s house. It was a great two-hour drive, until asked how their jobs were. There was an awkward silence, broken by Mrs. Wong’s sigh of disappointment. “I knew I should have sent Bolero to Singapore. If your father were still here, he’d have known better.”

It was back to job-hunting again. The two had found an institute that needed biochemists. At two in the afternoon, two sweaty PhD’s sat in the IMR (Institute for Medical Research) building. After an hour or so, they were called into the manager’s room.

“Good afternoon gentlemen.” The manager said to them.

“Selamat petang Encik.” They said together in union.

The manager chuckled. “Masa kini masih guna BM.” He muttered to himself. “What business might you have with me?”

“We’re looking for a job.” Rahman started.

“Ah yes.” The manager let loose a phony laugh. “Let’s have a look at your qualifications.”

Bolero handed it to him. There was a tense silence. The manager nodded several times, but said nothing. Finally, he raised his head. “Mr. Mohammed and Mr. Wong, correct?” The two nodded. “I hear you were fired from multiple companies before finally being fired from WABRI, correct?” There was a stunned silence. “How did he know all these things?” Bolero gave a very disgusted look to Rahman.

“You fail to meet the minimum standard of a normal biochemist. Is this really true, gentlemen?” The two bowed their heads in shame.

“I’m sorry. You may be PhD’s of the Univerisi Teknologi Malaysia, but that doesn’t prove anything, other than you have done a lot of study. If you can’t work and produce results, you’ll be nothing more than a liability.”

More stunned silence followed, as if waiting for even the slightest bit of good news. None came however. Rahman broke it. “Terima Kasih Encik.”

“I heard they’re looking for biochemists in Singapore. They’re in need of them at the moment.” Bolero said to lighten the mood. “Don’t give me that crap!” Rahman yelled. “At least that’s better than nothing!” Bolero countered. Rahman wondered where Bolero got all his optimism. It definitely wasn’t his mother. Bolero saw his chance. “We should try Singapore! It’s time for a fresh start. It will work this time. I guarantee it.” Rahman looked at him dryly. Bolero’s smile always seemed to give him hope. It was the sort of thing best friends could do. Rahman smiled. “A fresh start…”

* * *

It had been three years since they had come to Singapore. Bolero had committed suicide a year after they were rejected again in Singapore. Rahman looked at the passenger behind his taxi. It was the manager of IMR, who was in Singapore for a conference. He didn’t recognize Rahman at all. Rahman was darker now. A lot darker. His hands had were clenched on the steering wheel. He was glad though. At least the days of job hunting and rejection were over. Perhaps this was the fresh start Bolero promised – The PhD who drove a taxi.

On the inside

2009-08-30T19:53:00.001-07:00

It's another cold Monday morning. The weather was pretty warm last week, but it seemed that it was too soon to rejoice. The alarm clock lay broken on the cupboard, as it always had been. So was the old computer. And the hand phone charger. Broken, unused, rejected, ignored. Just not thrown away - yet.
The things they endured! They were the only things that keep me company after a day of schooling. The previous night, I cried for them to watch. They watched with those worn-out, tired eyes they always had. They didn't say a word. They couldn't.
How the people around me use me! How they know me one moment and ignore me the next! Pretenders, I'm tired of how they break me! How unused I am when they find a better replacement, an upgrade, a substitute. The morning is just making it hurt more.
The people who are breaking me are probably ignorant... They walk with their heads held high and cold eyes looking down on me. When rain falls in the middle of winter just after midnight, it can kill people. The slow, painful method of freezing people to death - And the night is just beginning!
The people I enjoy being with aren't actually there. The things I enjoy doing aren't actually meaningful. The things I hear and see aren't actually helping me. The meals I take aren't actually filling me, and everything around me seems broken, unused, rejected, ignored. Just not thrown away - yet.

Facing Forward

2009-07-17T06:14:00.000-07:00

It's a brand new morning. I had myself shivering towards the heater to warm my frozen fingers. I enjoyed that. It was the one of things that provided me warmth.
Out of coffee! "I might as well not go to school" I thought to myself as I crossed the kitchen to search for an alternative. "If only the 'tard just left the coffee there without spilling it" My cold had not died down, and it seemed that it wasn't going to anytime soon. The smiling faces on the Milo tin made me think: "What the heck". It was one bad cup of Milo.
Some parts of me dwell in the past. I enjoy that. The slow-paced everyday life in Sibu would distract me from the busy streets of Hobart City. However much I enjoy it, I can't keep looking back at the days I had proper coffee.
Instead, I decided "What the heck" and continued the walk to my aunt's office. The weather generously raised the temperature up to 8 degrees Celsius - not enough to stop me from shivering, but definitely more than enough to keep me awake from my 4 hour sleep the previous night.
But wait! There lay a light at the end of the road, bickering me forward. Oh how the light wrapped around me, the comfort that filled my heart started to overflow. The past became a shadow of me, being the only shade of black in my field of vision. Someone was telling me to go forward. I turned, and it was none other than my shadow, pushing and beckoning me forward!
To heck with the coffee, I'm gonna go forward with the my past behind me! Thank you all for being there for me and encouraging me! Love y'all~

Running out of time

2009-07-14T00:40:00.000-07:00

Time's running out for all of us. Slowly. Faster for some, but not I. 4 months is a very slow death. Somewhat. Easily. Time kills us faster than guns. It doesn't take a lot of time to kill a man. The end of the road is closer than it appears.
Time's running out as we rush to complete what we think needs doing. What is time to judge when things should be done? What's the need? Is time really fair to all of us? It's easy for the well to do things as time flows by, but the weak? How time flies! As I walk through my life, it leaps before me, no matter how sick and weary I am. It continues its stubborn ways and charges forward. Please don't leave me behind, I'm beaten every time I fall behind you.
Do I have time? Quite the contrary. Time has me. It has had me. It's my end of the road closer and closer to me every passing minute. It's suffocating. Torturing. It's a slow poison sipping through this already weak body of mine.
Alas! Are these but cries of a fool! Time waits for no one, but is a fool not able to voice his distress? For time has controlled him, destroyed him and left him and brought him to his knees. If man can distort all perspectives of nature, why not this? Hypocrites, nothing can be done.
I'm tired of deadlines and exams. It's done its damage to me. I'm choosing things I don't even want. I'm destroying things I love. I'm killing the time that's killing me. I'm lost in a sea of knowledge that I can't piece together.
Time's running out for all of us. Slowly. Faster for some, but not I. 4 months is a very slow death. Somewhat. Easily. Time kills us faster than guns. It doesn't take a lot of time to kill a man. The end of the road is closer than it appears. It gets closer as I walk through each day, and I allow this parasite in me to grow, and eventually consume me. haha.

You mean so much to me

2009-07-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

As I sit alone in the classroom I've only known for about 6 months now, I can still hear my parents nagging at me to pay attention. Reuben was complaining that he had used up his quota, even though it was only tuesday. Even as I enjoy the slow lunch breaks with my lunch box, the sound of TK's laughter bounces around in the realms of my mind. I hear Andrea's giggles of delight when we get to go out together, and Terrence's randomness when we used to learn chemistry at his place. I felt Suzanne's warmth despite the cold, lonely weather. Dorothy was yelling at me to buy gloves. As the teacher droned on and on, I smiled as I remembered Uncle Thomas's complaints at how I wouldn't practice piano. And when the teacher suddenly mentioned that he was a scout, I silently thought to myself that whatever he had done, was nothing compared to Adrian and Jonathan getting lost in the jungle. If Timothy, Lawrence or Grace were here, I'd think they'd laugh too. The deafening shrill of the bell reminded me of the times I would wake up from Sejarah class, just in time to say:"Terima Kasih Cikgu!" Pauline and Elvin were running around in my mind for no apparent reason throughout Maths period. The bus home was somewhat romantic, as I watched the sun going down, I thought of the times where Kho Peng and I would pretend to be Gundams and slash each other. Il Divo was playing loudly in my earphones, and I wondered if Joshua, Chong Lin, Benjamin, Timmy and I would ever become like them. I spotted an awesome looking car, and I wondered if Adrian Cheng would like it. I arrived home to drown my loneliness in msn, knowing that Iris would (somehow) always be online. The temperature was dropping, and from Oliver's "lameness", I expected it to drop further. Simon and Andrew tuning the amp suddenly passed my mind as I noticed the half-assed guitar in my room. I strummed a G-chord, and happy memories I spent with Wen Hui and Joyce shot through my mind. Amelia and Samantha took the liberty of reminding me of form 2 goodness, the days I would spend my days nagging Katrina with Albert. Nicky's and Grace's sudden "CHIEF!!!" made me snap back to reality, which made me start on homework. Alas, the thought of Eric and Lea gave me the incentive to start on biology, but something was lacking.
The world seperates us with distance; the earth trembles so mightily as if it wanted to throw us all apart, but you'll forever be right here, deep down inside me. Yes, I'm spoilt. By now I should have moved on, but how the thoughts of you guys are the only thing keeping me going on - day by day, pace by pace. Thanks for being there for me you all~ I feel so blessed because of you.

And just when I was about to break...

2009-06-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

God's timing is preeminent. In the movie Brave hart (Mel Gibson), the pikes were raised at the cavalry at the last second. In my case, God used the people around me to make me realize that He was still with me, and that I'm not alone. Ironic isn't it? Just yesterday I was down in the pits; but now, glad and happy to be alive and well. Funnily enough, this isn't the first time, and no matter how many times I drift away from Him, He draws me back gently, and every time he does that, I can't help but feel peaceful, and a hint of embarrassment at how foolish I was. I haven't felt this peaceful in a long, long time. Praise God!

A Jeremiad... again.

2009-06-22T17:13:00.000-07:00

It's another cold, dark winter morning. My feet are cold, my hands are freezing, my brain is numb and my soul is about to break. Am I being unappreciative about the overflowing blessings that are entrusted to me? In a way I am. In a way. My enemies have destroyed me and the pretenders have crushed me. The giants are laughing and looking down on me and the wolves wait to scavenge my body when I'm broken. There's an endless rain here and I can't stop it with my power. I hurt others as I try to search for a way out. I have destroyed the very people who destroyed me.

In this never-ending storm, won't you hold me? - hold me, as if I were yours?

What if?

2009-06-18T05:56:00.000-07:00

What if I had finished my homework yesterday instead of leaving it till today? What if I didn't miss the bus so I could go straight home to do my homework? What if I had left class a little earlier so I wouldn't miss the bus? What if I were paying more attention to the teacher? What if I had enjoyed myself more during lunch? What if I bought the $3 bun instead of the $2 bun? What if I could do differentiation before my teacher taught me? What if I didn't see my mates during recess? What if I arrived early in school? What if I had slept a little earlier? What if I didn't say all those things to Suzanne? What if I talked a little more with Adrian? What if I never met Amelia? What if I hadn't talked to Terrence? What if I passed Wen Hui on as just another friend? What if I didn't come to Tasmania? What if I quit school earlier back in Sibu? What if I didn't become a prefect in form 4? What if I didn't taste diablo chilli with Adrian? What if I didn't help with the EAK? What if I studied harder in Form 3? What if I didn't know Joyce? What if I didn't join choir? What if I never decided to accept Jesus as my personal savior (thank God I did)? What if I never joined EE? What if I didn't laugh at Ting Sie Hung so much? What if I didn't become the head prefect in form 2? What if I never went to SMK Methodist? What if I had taken Chinese more seriously? What if I decided not to speak English but Foochow with my family? What if I didn't fall in love in primary 4? What if I didn't start drawing by primary 3? What if I didn't take primary 1 seriously? What if I didn't enter SJK Methodist? What if I managed to absorb everything at lightning speed in kindy? What if I continued to stay in England? What if I didn't have a twin brother? What if I wasn't brought to England? What if I wasn't born in Sibu, to my parents? What if I wasn't born?? LOL. (so there)

Greetings

2009-06-17T01:42:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all who are viewing this blog. My friends, my acquaintances, my loved ones, my uncles, my aunties and basically the whole world has started blogging. And now so have I. Winter in Tasmania is cold and lonely. Blankets and hot coffee can't warm the depths of my soul, that yearn for the warmth of those I hold dear. I took the bus to my aunt's office with "Ash like Snow" (The Brilliant Green) blazing in my earphones, not giving a care in the world to the clamorous crowd all around me. There, in the corner of my mind, unfinished chemistry and specialized maths echo through the cracks of my skull, escaping through my expressions. Desperation has started its slow and glamorous parade through my life, but alas, I have grown bored of it. The thoughts of my seeing my hometown once again in another 5 months to come comfort me. 'Tis the introduction to my life.

*ooh this is surprising.. i can blog in school..... =D*